Shock & Awe

I've devised the perfect weapon to unleash on the rudest of the cell phone offenders on Metro North. First, you're obliged to ask them to stop talking with a polite but firm request. When confronted, most people will comply, so most of the time this is where it ends. Nonetheless, there are always those exceptional cases. For those, there's a special kind of justice. Justice that could only be dealt by Whoopie Cushion. Imagine this: the self-important chatterbox is talking away negotiating an offshore business transaction that will potentially net him a gazillion dollars for some useless widget made in a sweatshop overseas when there's suddenly an enormous 20-second long fart heard on his end. How does he explain that one to his appalled business partner? Even if he says it was someone with a whoopie cushion, who would believe him? It would sound insame. Moreover, the whoopie cushion's explosion would be followed by the cheers and hollers of the entire train standing up and applauding. Yes, adoring fans. I would be greeted as a liberator.... There would be wild applause, confetti falling from the ceiling, bouquets of colorful flowers handed to me by small children....